It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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