tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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