You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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