I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Four minutes until I can fart!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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