His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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