just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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