i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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