wakey wakey hands off snakey
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
