I love black thongs
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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