life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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