My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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