My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
