well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
