Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
