I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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