I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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