Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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