In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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