my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
