I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
