when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.