i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
