I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
