Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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