Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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