I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let's get the cat blown out
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
