Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
