Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
