go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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