I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
