You really coming over, don't trick.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
