The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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