she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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