Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
