My underwear smells like fireworks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
