Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
