all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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