He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
