Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
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The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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