im six kinds of drunk right now
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
