Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
