I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
