i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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