note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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