I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
