I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
