Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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