Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
