I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
this is an emotional support booty call
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
