You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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