hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
