Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
