wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
