Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
