I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
