She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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