My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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